You can never be too old to go trick-or-treating.

As y'alls may be aware, tomorrow is Halloween!

It's so weird. It feels like October just started. Clearly not.

I thought it would be appropriate to write about fears today.

Muhahaha!

Humans have a built-in alarm system to warn them of when there will possibly be danger. Without it, I don't think we would have survived thus far. I mean, if you weren't afraid when you're staring down a hungry lion, you might not think to, I don't know, run for your life. Although it is scary, fear is crucial to being human.

Now, we also develop irrational fears. Irrational fears, I believe, are spawned from traumatic experiences and mental associations when the mind is still very impressionable. For instance, if a bird attacked you when you were a child, you may develop the fear of birds, or ornithophobia. In the future, when you see a bird, you may be afraid that it will attack and injure you. If, say, a baby heard a loud crash while being first exposed to a fuzzy bunny, they may develop the fear of bunnies or fuzzy things. That may be because they associated a scary crashing sound with bunnies or fuzzy things.

It's a strange thought, right?

So I asked myself, "What am I most afraid of?"

I wasn't able to come up with a definitive answer. So perhaps I'll just write and discover it in this post

On the surface, I have small fears such as the fear of spiders. Well, I'm actually that scared of spiders. I'm fascinated by them. I'm just grossed out by the thought of squashing them with my hands or having them crawling into my mouth when I'm asleep (which, by the way, they usually don't do--spiders are sensitive to vibrations, and humans vibrate quite a lot while sleeping because we breathe, have a beating heart, snore, etc.).

So I'm digging deeper. What's scarier than a spider? I guess a large workload. At the moment, I am running away from my responsibilities (oops...) to write this post. Don't worry, I'll go work in a bit, haha. But large workloads genuinely frighten me. Today, I looked at the amount of work I needed to do, and I felt like shrinking/disappearing into thin air/not existing anymore. Or maybe I'm not afraid of the work. Maybe I'm actually afraid of what will happen if I didn't finish all of my work. Anyways, I know that this is not my deepest fear, so I'm moving on.

It's difficult to think of my deepest darkest fear, you know? There are so many things out there. I'm afraid of wrecking my health, mentally and physically. I'm afraid that I'll lose my friends. I'm afraid of breaking the bonds that I currently have. I'm afraid of being associated with the wrong people and the wrong things, and being punished for it. I'm afraid of being rejected. I'm afraid of embarrassing myself in front of others. But these fears are so small. These are things that I can get over. I honestly cannot think of "my one greatest fear." There isn't something that would make me the most afraid because most of my fears hold the same level of scariness.

Maybe the reason as to why I am unable to think of my greatest fear is because I'm too afraid to even acknowledge the fear. Maybe there's a barrier in my brain protecting me from crawling into a corner and rocking myself back and forth, never to leave that position. Maybe, maybe, maybe.

But you know, even with this fear, I'm functioning (somewhat). The world goes round and it won't stop going round if I discover my deepest fear, conquer it, or never find out what it is.

Do you even have any fears? Why do you think you have those fears? Have you discovered your greatest fear?

Yay! Last entry today!

But I'm really annoyed right now.

Last night, at 9:30, I wrote a whole post about blogging in general, but then parental restrictions kicked in and my WiFi cut, so I planned to post what I wrote last night today. But no. Nothing saved. NOTHING. So now I have to make up for yesterday's post somehow. Maybe I'll rewrite it. Or I'll do something different. *sighs*

Anyways, this last journal entry should be something to celebrate I have (well, I will have written by the end of today, hahaha...) twenty-eight journals entries; most of which were posts to this blog, but there were also a few (and will be a few more) that I wrote in a different place. Don't worry though. You peeps didn't miss out on anything, because they were mostly rants.

So what have I learned in writing (to be) twenty-eight journal entries?

Well, I've found that original ideas are difficult to think up. At some points, I wanted to go to some random generator online to come up with an idea with. Sometimes, I wanted to steal off of one of my friend's blog. I didn't do either of these though. I just kind of started typing away until I thought of something interesting to write about.

I also found a sort of stressful sort of enjoyment in doing this. Stressful because this is for a grade, but enjoyment because I enjoy blogging and writing. I was kind of irked because my teacher said that poetry did not count for a journal entry, but I mean, my poetry is in prose, so I hope that counts. I'm glad that I somewhat revived this blog.

I've learned that writing does not simply improve overnight. Well, I already knew that. It's more of how I understood through this whole journal entry thing that writing takes a long time to develop. During these four weeks, I not only wrote new posts, but I also looked back on some of my old posts. Can I just say... Wow, I was so cringe-worthy all those years ago... I noticed frequent spelling errors, horrendous grammatical mistakes, and my diction was just... Ew. Of course, my diction is still "ew," but I'd like to think that has improved. Because obviously, I'm so much more sophisticated now... Pfffft...

Some of you peeps may be wondering, "What will you do from here? Will you keep posting?"

And the answer is...

Yes! But I won't be posting every single day. I'll post once a week, probably on a weekend. The only exception would be on the first week of the month, where I'll do a SOTM and QOTM.

Here's to a new journey, guys! Hope you peeps enjoyed this experience as much as I did!

When I'm in a car or in a bus or just someplace where I can't do HW because it's too dark, too bumpy, etc., I like to just sit and think.

So on the ride home today from my make-up violin lesson, I began thinking about people in the past who I knew, and still know that I will never see again in person.

And you know what? Thinking about these people made me caused my smile to droop.

Mainly, I thought about this amazing math teacher that I had last year who retired and moved to a different country (but he gave us, his students, his email, so we're still able to contact him). He was an inspirational man; he was talented, smart, and if you listened hard enough (or really at all), you'd hear all of the life lessons that he taught. What hit me the most was when I remembered that he said, "Ah, your memory isn't what it used to be, is it?" Back when he said it, I just kind of laughed it off. I mean, I thought I was getting better at memorization and whatnot. But upon reflecting in the car ride, I realized that my memory WAS fading, and that I was forgetting all the small moments in his class. So you know what? I'll chronicle what I still remember of the class onto here so that I can look back, years from now, and still recall these amazing memories. It's a shame that I cannot remember these moments in chronological order, though.

I remember when he said, "Understand, not remember, because your memory isn't what it used to be." Since then, I have adapted my learning style to understand, instead of just memorizing lifeless facts. This way, I learn--not just act as a robot, simply regurgitating info that has been fed to me. I've also improved in contemplating the purpose of, the reason for, and the role that people, places, things, and/or events play in the grand scheme of things.

I remember when he talked about his sleep schedule, and the reaction he garnered from my class. He really defined "quality, not quantity." It was kind of funny, actually. We spent about twenty minutes talking about sleep instead of focusing on the lesson. Also, because I was running on very little sleep and the lights were off, I was slowly nodding off. Oops, haha.

I remember the way he pronounced certain words and wrote things out. Instead of "quadratic," he said "quarterdic." Instead of writing out "function," he wrote "fn." Actually, come to think of it, his writing contained a lot of shorthand. So if he wrote a line on the board, whatever he wrote would probably take up two lines of space in your notes.

I remember how he gave us seemingly difficult problems, and everyone would attempt them, but most would fail. Then, in explaining the answer and the process to achieve the answer, he'd make everything seem so simple. Usually it was a really clever small trick; these problems usually left me and a lot of my classmates wanting to facepalm and shake our heads in self-disappointment. Oh, were those fun.

I remember the panics that he induced when he randomly did HW checks, or when he gave pop HW quizzes. Pop quizzes are pretty scary on their own, but I knew that he liked to challenge his students, making his pop quizzes even scarier. Additionally, my school doesn't count math or science HW as grades, but because this teacher wanted his students to better understand the concepts that were taught, he occasionally graded the HW anyways. A lot of the people in my class, and probably in the other classes as well, often didn't do the HW that he was checking, or they forgot/"forgot" to bring their HW notebooks. But this teacher was generous. He allowed these students to earn HW points back by giving them until the start of homeroom the next morning to finish the work and show him the completed problems. Were I a teacher, I probably wouldn't be this kind (thank goodness I'm not a teacher, haha).

I remember the panic that he induced within his students whenever there was a test or a quiz in general. Last year, I always said, "You always know when there's a test in (teacher's name)'s class," because his room would always be filled with students going in for extra help in the morning at the last second. Honestly, I found that most of the concepts he taught were easily understandable. The great majority of the questions on his assessments were quickly solvable, but there were always one or two questions that were so frustrating that I wanted to chuck my pencil out of the room and send my paper flying. Okay, it wasn't THAT bad, but it doesn't hurt to exaggerate, right? Most likely, there were people in my class and in the other classes who felt that way. One time, there was a one-day assessment that he extended to the next day because no one was able to finish it (this isn't an exaggeration--I'd be genuinely shocked if I found out that that someone actually completed that assessment within the period). Personally, I had already completed all of the questions but one. I had memorized that question, and I completed it at home (I know, I know, but that problem was really killing me). It. Took. Me. So. Long (it probably only took around ten minutes, but I kept restarting and recalculating everything). There was ONE trick that I kept missing, and I kept over-complicating everything, as I always did and still do. I finally solved it, though, and I checked my answer with what my friends got (they did the same thing as I did). When I got my paper back the next day, I quickly wrote down what I did. Even though I had solved the problem previously, it still took a long time for me to write everything down. In the end, he didn't even count the problem. The rush to finish the assessments in his class was just so overwhelming sometimes. Oh boy.

I remember how he made us question everything, to the point where a lot of us, students, were afraid to share the answer that we got with the class when he asked for it. There was this one time where we had some sort of problem with time, and we had to convert a number of hours to minutes. And what did he do? Well, someone said, in explaining the answer, that there were 60 minutes in an hour, and he interjected with, among other things, "Are you sure?" One of the facts that we students had known for most of our lives, and we were made to question it. Sometimes, when I question the purpose of time, I think about this. But that's for a whole other time.

I remember how, at the end of the day when I headed to my bus, I passed his classroom, and I always saw him fixing the classroom desks in such a caring manner. I don't know why, but seeing this action touched me, and developed my respect for him. Perhaps my respect for this man grew due to the respect that he demonstrated, not only to his students and other teachers, but also to his surroundings in general.

This teacher had such a great impact on me. In the future, I hope to meet people as great, or perhaps even greater, somehow, than he is. Maybe I have already met them; I just haven't realized their brilliance. To the teacher that this post was about, thank you for teaching me not only about math, but about life as a whole, and for broadening my view of the world.

I often find myself obsessing over sounds. Such a sound could be the melody of a song, the performance of an instrument, or just everyday noises like a car starting or birds singing.

Is it strange that I don't only get songs stuck in my head, but other noises as well?

It probably is. I mean, you don't hear people going around saying, "Ah, I got that sound stuck in my head. Why can't I get the sound of snapping out of my head? Brain, stop thinking about snapping noises. Think about other noises." Unless if they do and they just don't voice it aloud.

Welp, I just went on a tangent.

Anywho, I'm interested in why I find certain sounds so much more appealing than others. I believe it's because of the associations I've made with certain sounds.

For instance, I have found that the sound of clacking keys makes me a little nervous at the most random of times. A reason as to why that may be is that I often take out my angers, frustrations, and stress on my writing (or should I say typing?) and on my friends (I rant quite a lot).

Other times, I find the sound of typing comforting. Perhaps it's because I type most of my pieces out instead of writing them down, so my thoughts and emotions are tied to my environment during these times of writing/typing.

Whenever I hear a sound that I like, I usually store it away in my brain and replay it (until I get sick of the sound, but by that point, I wouldn't be able to rid myself of it). I must have sounded crazy when I said that, but it's true. I've done this with the ringing of bells, the A string on my violin, and the crinkling of wrapping paper.

I feel like if I talk about this more, I'm going to sound even more insane.

Do you guys do this too? Or am I just a crazy child? (I'm probably crazy, haha.)

I don't know how many times this has occurred.

I start a post, decide it's just not good enough or interesting enough, or the topic I was discussing was too difficult to explain, and without a second thought, I discard my old idea and start over.

In the past week, I can easily say that I have done this at least seven times.

The thing is, I don't even save these ideas. I just ditch them entirely. It's difficult enough to think of a post idea; the filtering process that I go through only worsens this difficulty.

It's interesting to imagine what would be different if I saved all of these ideas and pursued in posting them.

So that got me thinking.

We all discard ideas. Some stick around, but most of them just disappear after not thinking about them for a while. But what if we kept these ideas?

I believe that if we had all just followed through with our thoughts, our society would be dramatically altered. Certain technologies that we possess in this world may not exist, but other advances may have been made. Fantastic pieces of literature would be replaced by different works. Our fashion senses and languages may even be different.

I believe that Newton's Third Law, which states that for every action, there is an opposite, but equal reaction, does not only apply to physics, but to life in general. For all of the technology, literature, and other ideas that would have been lost, a different set of these things would emerge. This earth would be a strangely familiar but utterly different place.  Isn't that so weird?

Would this world be a better place? Would we be more, less, or as advanced as we are right now? Would the universe have found a way to make certain events occur or not occur anyways? I don't know, but it's mind-boggling no matter what.

Yes, that was a PSAT reference.

It wasn't as meme-worthy this year, but I, an intellectual, believe that it was awesome anyhow. ;)

A while back (as in a little under two years ago), I wrote a post about grades. Here's the link: GRADES!!!

Anywho, I've given more thought to this subject since.

Grades are really injuring my will to learn. I've been intent on getting the grades that I want, and trading my health in the process. Then I feel terrible and do terribly on assessments, so I work even harder. It's a vicious cycle.

The other day, in APLAC, my teacher questioned, for the sake of his curiosity, how students' educations would be different did grades not exist, and in their stead were written letters of whether each student passed a class or not. He realized that there were immediate faults to the system, such as bias against or for a student, as well as students "sucking up" to the teachers. After a minute of discussion, we returned to the topic that we had been discussing previous to the question concerning grades.

So I thought that there has to be a better system to ensure a student's proficiency. I believe it to be more beneficial for students to understand concepts and apply them instead of continuing the practice of the cold hard memorization of facts, equations, and random exceptions. The majority of these facts, equations, and exceptions eventually fade from memory, however, so all the studying done was but a waste of time, energy, and effort, all three of which are absolutely priceless.

I liked the idea of the written letter of proficiency, but I decided that there were just too many immediate and indirect flaws for it to be effective.

I brainstormed a little, trying to find a better way, the solution to all of this cheating and failing and inability to truly learn and understand. What did I come up with? Nothing.

​

Growing up is difficult.

As an adolescent, I empathize that you have to deal with people telling you what to do, confusing hormones, and the rush of activity around you, all of which are trying to confuse you. You try figuring things out, but usually, things just end up in a jumble. Sometimes you push people away when you need them the most, and sometimes, you hold on too tight.

There are challenges in the way of life that can only be overcome by the strengthening of one's character, mind, and/or body. For instance, during the teenage years, numerous people feel the need to conform to society, despite the positive messages that have spread in recent years about "loving yourself" and "being who you are." Teenagers want to look, sound, act, and think so they "fit in," doubting their identity and themselves as a whole in the process. They suppress their true selves and are stuck in a superficial world. Usually, after too much pressure, however, the suppressed selves burst through to drink in the fresh air and soak in the sunlight shining onto their skin. You'll realize that you don't have to mind what others think, as long as you are happy.

Growing up means letting go of childish tendencies, to become an independent human being. It's a scary thought, being surrounded by billions of people, but at the same time, being all alone in this great wide world.

But of course, you won't ever be TRULY alone. There will always be colleagues, friends, family members, and perhaps even animals that think of you, that care for you. 

Growing up is full of reminiscence. The past is but dust, ghosts, and whispers that were once vibrantly colored, completely adored, and deafeningly loud. They'll all be there, in the back of your mind, as you progress through time and leave these moments behind. But when you look back, for a split second, these moments will once again be revived, as if you were in those places, tasting those foods, feeling those textures, seeing those views, smelling those scents, and accompanying those people once again.

Growing up doesn't just occur overnight. It isn't the result of just one event or one person. It's an arduous and continuous journey that one experiences throughout life.

Growing up does not only happen during one's stages of childhood and adolescence. In fact, you may still be growing up as an adult.

Or you may never grow up at all.

But you already know all of this. Everyone has, or is in the process of growing up.

So why am I saying all of this?

I want to tell you a secret.

(What is it?)

Fear will hold you back, but it will propel you forward as well.

You're a brave one. You don't know if you're going to make it. You don't know how. You don't know who's going to be involved, or why you're doing what you're doing, but...

You. Are. Brave.

You may have to face your deepest fears and have your heart, mind, body, and soul be broken. But you will stare down your fears and mend yourself wholly because...

You. Are. Brave.

Growing up is about embracing these fears, letting them devour and consume you entirely... Then letting go, expelling them out of you, banished from you until the end of time... And then some.

This life is all about being brave, and although you will encounter difficulties, each obstacle passed will lead you one moment, one step, one bound closer to finally...

Growing up.

Every four years in America, we have this wonderful period of time where we are forcefully fed more propaganda than usual, and when mudslinging is at its worse. What does it all lead up to? The presidential election.

I know I haven't ever posted about politically-related topics (actually, let's be real here--everything is related to politics), but as the presidential debates are raging on and Election Day draws nearer, I have developed a few opinions and beliefs concerning this election.

I will try not to talk directly about the candidates themselves, but if I do suddenly get super passive-aggressive or obvious about my views, I'm sorry.

Now, some of you may be thinking, "How can you talk about the presidential election without talking about the actual candidates?" Well, for this post, I will be discussing what I believe to be the social effects of this election.

Please keep in mind that no, I am not always right (I am just a sheltered teenager with social media and TV, after all), and I will write things that are factually incorrect. If you would like to support, dispute, or just express your opinions on anything that I say or concerning the election in general, please comment! But remember to keep it positive!

Based off of what I have seen and heard, I would say that America is current in great unrest. I haven't gone onto my Facebook in a while, but when I had last checked it, my feed was filled with posts about horrid events such as shootings and violent outbursts. I suppose that tensions between groups of people that are different have always been present, but I feel like this presidential election has allowed for the release of pent-up anger.

For instance, like a torrential river, racism and religious discrimination are and always have, quite sadly, threatened to break through the dam of tolerance to destroy creations of kindness and peace. Every so often, a video of hate surfaces. With these videos, people are reminded of the bigotry that exists in this world. Some are encouraged to continue these hateful, horrible belief systems. Others are rightfully disgusted, and work to prevent such intolerance. There is also a group, steadily growing, where people see these videos, develop opinions, and do nothing about the issues at hand. But I digress.

These videos have begun popping up at a faster rate than ever, or so I observe.

About five years ago, I didn't realize that racism and racial discrimination were such rampant issues. Now, news articles, videos, events, and various other things prove otherwise.

Not only have racism and religious discrimination expanded within this country, but mudslinging has been encouraged as well. Throughout this whole election process, pointing fingers and accusations, both true and false, have been flying between the two remaining candidates.

Of course, with every election, there are always bouts of bickering that take place to ridicule other opponents, but this election has just been malicious. Insults for no purpose other than for denigration have been thrown around. Facts have been stretched out so thin that lies have broken the seal of truth and started pouring through. Recently, signs of deliberate and utter disrespect have been noticed.

The president is supposed to represent the best of America, to be models for young children.

How will easily-influenced minds such as my own be made to think? That it's okay to be so mean to others? That in order to climb to the top, you have to trip and push your opponents off their ascent? That, without destroying others, it is impossible to succeed in life?

These are terrible suggestions to the impressionable minds in America.

I believe that this election, on top of previously existing circumstances, is threatening to tear America apart. I fear for the future, but I am curious as to how everything plays out.

To anyone that reads this, let's not allow this election tear America in half. Let's be kind, caring, and sympathetic towards one another instead.

Note: I apologize for not posting this yesterday. I wanted to revise and edit this post so my words meant exactly what I wanted to say. Words are powerful, and this situation is delicate. I may have let a few things slip through the cracks, but at this point, perhaps they were purposeful, and perhaps they were accidental. Remember, if you do comment, keep it positive!

The title doesn't sound too positive, I know. Or maybe it does. Depends on who you are.

This post may repeat some things that I have said in the past, but a little reiteration can't hurt, right?

When I read The Catcher in the Rye, I was made to contemplate the situation in which Holden Caulfield was under.

He was stuck in a mental hospital. He missed Allie, his brother who died of leukemia. He was hallucinating.

Before all of that, he didn't really have any friends. He had failed out another school. He thought that his dad was going to kill him. He had nearly died of freezing/starving/dehydration because he blew off all of his money in New York.

It's not Thanksgiving season yet, but this all makes me grateful for what I have. I further understand that no matter how much homework or hate or sadness I'm surrounded with, it can always be worse.

At least I HAVE homework to complain about. At least I'm surrounded by people that love me to cancel out the hate. At least I'm not stuck in a mental hospital, missing ghosts, and hallucinating.

Life is good. Ish.

I feel like I've been complaining in too many of my posts recently, and I'm sorry if I've just sounded like a whiny teen. The pressure is really on, and I'm feeling its effects. It's alright though. I have a half-day tomorrow (Woot!)

What can I do to make everything better though, besides having a positive mindset and trying to motivate myself? Perhaps I just need to feel more focused. Something weird has happened this year. I've felt less responsible, and I've... Cared less? I can't quite place my finger on what it is, but it's changed my whole attitude. Whatever. Personal problems, pftttt. :D

If you're in a tough spot, and you're just tired and don't care anymore, remember that it could always be worse. Also remember that everything could always be better, and work towards that brighter situation. Don't let yourself get held back just because of some silly excuses. Go out there and tackle your problems. You got this!

I feel like the questions are getting a bit cheesy. I think I'm going to stop those for now.

Stay positive, peeps!

Whenever I read an autobiography or someone else's journal, I feel like I'm intruding on that person. Everything is always so personal and holds so much significance for those people.

In APLAC, I'm reading a book titled Journal of a Solitude by May Sarton. It's a compilation of her journal entries over a year (she didn't write a journal entry every day, so there are probably around two hundred entries in there, which is still pretty impressive. Her journal entries are more consistent than my posts, hahaha...).

I have only just begun to read this book, and I feel like I'm watching over her in the moments that she wrote about. That kind of sounded creepy. I mean it in the least creepiest way possible.

I kind of dislike the feeling of intruding, though. Yes, these people put out their words for others to read, but I sometimes feel uncomfortable getting to know someone so well by their descriptions of the little intimate moments in their life. You really get to walk around in their shoes, and it really makes you think about their situation. Perhaps I'm uncomfortable because I am forced to stop being a myopic child and really start to understand other people's thoughts, feelings, and beliefs.

I believe that the world would be a better place if we all just walked around in each other's shoes for a day. Most of our problems are spurned from our inability to understand other people's situations, as well as our lack of sympathy.

I wonder. What if we all wrote autobiographies? What if the people around you knew who you really were, what you went through, and how everything has affected you? Would we still be creatures of hatred, jealousy, and sadness, or would we become loving, generous, and content?

Well, that's what's been floating in my head all day.

What do you guys think? Do you think walking around in other people's shoes would help society advance into a place of less hatred? How do you guys feel about reading other people's autobiographies and journals?

As a final note, I challenge you all to try to walk around in someone else's shoes. Try to be more understanding of someone. If we want to change the world, we have to begin with ourselves!

There are times when determination is the best approach, and there are times when giving up is a better option.

I usually am not a quitter. However, I made a decision this year to give something up.

I gave up winter track and field.

One of the main reasons why I decided to stop was due to the workload I have to deal with on a daily basis. If I did winter track, I would return home and be able to start my homework at around 5 to 6 PM. On meet days, I would get home at an even later time. I give myself credit for being able to handle stress and heavy workloads relatively well, but I don't think that I could add another activity to shorten the amount of time I have to do work even further.

​I also decided to stop doing winter track and field because I felt like I didn't belong. The throwing team isn't one big family. It's more like a bunch of different groups of friends. I usually float between one or two groups, but I never really... Fit in? Besides throwing, the majority of my interests were not aligned with anyone else's on the team. Of course, practice isn't "social time," but it's always nice to talk to someone about something else that interests you when you aren't throwing.

There are a couple of other reasons why I'm not doing winter track and field this year. It's partially because shot put isn't my thing. I mean, I could throw half decently, but I don't find much satisfaction or enjoyment in the sport. Also, when I was in season, I really cared about improving my throws, but not everyone had the same motivations as I did. I ended up waiting multiple minutes for my turn, which only lasted a few seconds. This waiting around and inactivity bothered me. Lastly, the gym that we practiced in was pretty dusty and dry, agitating my senses as a result. I don't particularly want to go through that again.

It's strange that I'll have another season off. I'm, of course, going to put this time to good use by training for the spring and by completing my homework. Yes, I am doing spring track and field. Shot may not be "my thing," but I love jav, and I just cannot give that up.

I guess the morale of the story is that it is okay to give up and let something go. While writing this post, I was trying to convince myself not to feel so guilty over not doing winter track and field. Usually, if I start something, I'll see it through, so letting winter track and field go was a strange experience for me. I feel a lot better since I've typed this all up.

To readers who do like to throw shot put or any activity, really, I encourage you to continue that activity! If you enjoy something and are determined to improve at it, don't give it up for small reasons. Happiness is priceless; don't let anyone or anything get in the way of it. In  my case, I'm not throwing shot put anymore simply because I found no joy in throwing shot put anymore, among the other reasons that I have listed above.

Have you guys ever given up an activity you once enjoyed? What did you let go? Was it difficult to quit the activity?

​Stay motivated, peeps!

This might just be a me thing, but I like to self-deprecate.

Is that weird? It probably is.

Anywho, I really only do it to keep my ego from inflating too much. Ego checks are good for you. It's also healthy to laugh at yourself for your faults and face them head-on instead of trying to skirt them.

During French class today, I was on fire with self-deprecating statements. Here are a few examples:

"I am like time. When I pass by, usually, no one really notices."

"I am just like that poster on the wall. You know, because I kind of hang around and talk about something relevant to the subject being discussed, but am never truly integrated into the conversation."

"I am like the floor. People just walk all over me, and I let it happen."

Okay, perhaps these aren't exactly self-deprecation, per se. It's more like I'm... Bullying myself?

Darn, that actually doesn't sound too healthy.

Nonetheless, these small jokes that I make about myself bring me great joy and entertainment. I just made that sound even worse, didn't I?

I briefly talked about this with my friends (WOW, YOU HAVE FRIENDS?), and we all agreed that once we hit high school, dry humor became a part of our sense of humor (or lack thereof).

I should really start trying to view things in a more positive light.

Does anyone else do this? Do you peeps have any good ones to share? Did you guys enjoy this short and sweet post?

Oh, and one more thing. I do realize that my posting times are quite sporadic. I'll work on improving the consistency of my posting times, because clearly, not everyone stays up to unhealthy times like I do. Thanks for sticking with me, peeps! :D

First of all, I'd like to apologize about yesterday's post. I only realized TODAY that, for some reason, the post didn't completely appear. I'll be more careful of that in the future.

So onto the real stuff here.

I have decided to revive QOTW, but like the SOTW, I have decided to change it to be a monthly occurrence. On the first day of each month, I'll post a SOTM, and on the second, I'll post a QOTM. I may occasionally forget to do a SOTM and QOTM on the first two days of the month, so expect a few hiccups at first. I'll try to remember. I can promise that.

And the first QOTM is...

Maybe I'm ranting and complaining too much on this blog, but I just have to say that this stress is kind of ridiculous. I want to talk to my old self and say, "You think that's hard? Just wait until you get to HIGH SCHOOL." But what am I going to do?

Okay, I'm just going to rant a little. Just a little, I promise.

For the past week, my APUSH class has been conducting a mock trial for Andrew Carnegie. I'm not always the greatest speaker, so I decided to be an exhibit expert on the prosecuting side. There were ten exhibits, and I essentially had to summarize the documents, analyze them, and determine how they can help the prosecution. Not so difficult, right? But this had to be done in a span of two days, on top of my other homework, on top of studying.

The prosecutors had two exhibit experts and the defendants had three exhibit experts. So, already, I had a greater workload than the defendant exhibit experts. Then, my partner didn't realize that they had to actually do WORK to prepare for the trial. I analyzed all of the documents and assigned them to the attorneys on my own. Meaning, I basically did the work of three people.

I hate it when that happens.

But that's over now. Now I just have to write an essay summarizing the trial and determining whether Carnegie was guilty of his charges. Yep. Just an essay. I'm good. I'll make it through.

So that leads me into the quote. All of that work made me REALLY stressed out. I went to sleep late for multiple consecutive days, and I feel like I'm fading. I don't know how else to describe it.

When I was doing all of that work, I thought that the problem was how much work I had. The thought of having to do more work really discouraged me and weakened my resolve to complete everything. Once I read this quote, however, my viewpoint changed. Perhaps I simply took "too little of what really strengthens [me]." I believe that I draw my energy from my friends and from just being happy. When I was working, I really didn't communicate with anyone, and I felt so drained.

Perhaps next time, I'll seek out my friends for their support. Perhaps I'll try to relax my mind a little instead of thinking about how much work I have. Perhaps I'll be in a better situation next time.

Have any of you peeps been in such a situation? What do you guys do when you're stressed? Did you like this quote? Can you guys relate?

I hope you all a very non-stressful day!

Remember WAY back when I did SOTWs (Song of the Week)? Well, I've decided that posting about one song a week is probably a little too overreaching for me, so...

Introducing...

The Song of the Month!

I'm just going to call it "SOTM."

It's the same concept. I pick a song that you, readers, may or may not know and I talk about it. The only change? I do this once a month. And the W is turned upside-down. I think it's plausible.

So here we go with the FIRST-EVER SOTM!

What's the song? "Wolves" by Down Like Silver.

It goes with the whole "Howling Evanescence" thing, doesn't it?

​The song is simplistic, somber, and beautiful.

The first time that I heard this song, I didn't pay too much attention to it. I was doing my homework, and I wasn't focusing on my music. However, when I finished my homework, I scrolled through the list of songs that I listened to (I was on Pandora at the time), and I came across "Wolves." I thought, "Oh cool, it's a song about wolves. I should listen to it again and actually pay attention to it."

When I truly listened to it, I got the goosebumps.

I loved the way that the song was built up. More and more elements appeared as the song progressed. The simple melody was easy to listen to, and the singers' voices contrasted each other wonderfully. The lower male part provided a hard edge and a nice bass. On the other hand, the higher female part provided a soft tone and highlighted the song.

This song was about death, but the singers sounded so calm about the whole ordeal.

The lyrics made me feel like the singers wanted to return to where they came from: Nature. They tell their audience that when they die, or are close to dying, that they will break apart, but that's what they want to do. They comfort their audience by saying at the end of the song, "Daylight is waiting for you," or that there is something kind, bright, and warm on the other side.

The imagery that I associated with this song was exactly what the song described, and it was alluring. When I listen to songs, I liked to make mini music videos in my head. It helps me understand the song and enjoy it more.

At first, I thought of a pack of wolves, not necessarily feeding, but standing there majestically and stoically. It was autumn, and the leaves were drifting down to the earth around the wolves, but they stood there, watching with their golden eyes. Then, I imagined an ocean. A light was slowly sinking into the depths of the water, brightening the water surrounding it. When it first entered the water, the fish watched it curiously, but left it alone. Schools of fish and various other aquatic creatures began circling the light, and finally, it dispersed. It reformed and became a flame that faded out into the night.

I saw ashes being carried away by the wind, floating in the air across a healthy green field. Then darkness. But the darkness isn't complete. There's a small light that appears again, and it grows and grows, and it becomes a blinding brightness that envelops everything. There were faint outlines of a wolf's eyes, beaming through the white illumination.

"Wolves" is a great song, and I definitely recommend giving it a listen.

Have you guys heard of this song before? Do you guys like the revival of SOTW as SOTM? Is there anything else that you peeps would like me to start up again?

Should I make a signature? Maybe I'll make a signature so I don't have to worry about repeating a closing. Hmm...

Feel free to comment about suggestions!

I've been horribly irresponsible and unproductive these days.

I try. I really do. But no matter what I do, I just can't sit myself down and focus on a single task. At least I've been responsible to this blog!

Anywho, this post is about productivity, not responsibility. Don't be surprised, however, if I do post something about responsibility sometime soon.

I wanted to learn how I could be more productive, so I did a quick Google search.

Apparently, humans are productive in cycles. There are periods of great productivity, and there are periods of little to no productivity. If you work for five hours straight, you'll probably get less done than if you work for half an hour, take a small break, work for another half hour, take another break, etc. You'll most likely feel worse as well. (Gee, I actually do feel quite worn out. Should I take a break?) By taking small breaks, the brain can focus better during the time when you work.

Environment is an important factor too. Anything that can cause the brain to divert a portion of its attention span is a distraction. If you're a person who likes to listen to music while you work (like me!), I have bad news. Listening to music while working, although it inspires thoughts and perhaps motivates you, is a major distraction (awwwww). Your brain tends to focus on the notes and words of the songs that you listen to. In fact, I should probably turn my music off right now. In typing up this post, I have made numerous mistakes. A few, I have caught from the revision process, but I'm sure that this post is riddled with grammatical and spelling errors. It's partially due to my exhausted state (I have bags under my eyes and everything), but it's also because of my music in the playing in the background and using up some of my brain power.

(Darn it, Jason Mraz, you're a cool guy and all, but I can't listen to you right now. You're being too distracting.)

If you are a music listener, it's best to listen to music for 15 minutes before you start working. Or, I guess you can listen to music during your small breaks. You do you!

Of course, one of the most influential factors is your own motivation. If you don't care about what you're doing and you aren't motivated enough to finish it, you most likely won't. You'll waste your time. Of course, motivation is difficult to build up. I recommend setting up goals. For instance, if you like playing some sort of a video game, tell yourself that once you complete the task that you need to finish, you can go play your game. Though, while you're working, do not think about the video game AT ALL. This can be a distraction and slow you down.

Well, I've written ABOUT the topic; now I actually have to BE productive. Onto other homework (my favorite...) and miscellaneous tasks!

Do you guys have trouble focusing on what you're supposed to be doing? Do you peeps listen to music while you work like I do? How do you guys make yourselves more productive?

Don't forget to comment!

That'll be all... For now! :D

I know right! It's so weird and exciting and you don't really know how to feel about it yet, but it's there!

So yeah, I changed the theme around a bit. There are only a few minute differences as of right now, but I might change even more in the future. I'm just taking baby steps so if I mess something up, I can easily revert back to the mini step before the messed up step. If that makes any sense. I don't know. I'm just so excited right now!

I've actually wanted to change my theme for a while now, but I just never... Felt like it. Until today!

For Weebly themes, you can either select a pre-made one, make your own, or change an existing template around. When I first started this blog, I chose a pre-made theme and kept it the way it was. Even if I did want to modify it, I didn't know how. A while in, I realized that, by changing the CSS of my website (I don't actually know what it is. I only know that there's an "Edit HTML/CSS" button that I can click on and mess with the coding), I was able to alter individual components of the theme without changing the whole theme altogether. The only problem was that I didn't speak the language of code.

I started messing around with this new discovery, testing things out, learning the functions of certain lines. I never published those changes, so no one was able to see the wonky things I did. I remember mashing together a horrible color scheme (or lack thereof), using weird combinations of fonts (at one point, I had a handwriting-type font for the text body and an excessively bolded font for the title, and... Yeah, it was just a mess), and making the words essentially unreadable by changing the letter spacing.

Eventually, I became more serious about the design of this blog. I started making changes that I THOUGHT looked good. Notice how the word "thought" was emphasized. To my old readers, I'm really sorry for making you guys deal with that inverted color scheme way back when. It must have been a pain on the eyes.

When I realized how painful and difficult my blog was to read and comment on, I decided to make another drastic alteration of this blog's theme. I inverted my inverted theme back to black text on a white background. I also got rid of the moon that was behind the title of my blog. I actually kind of liked that moon. I'm sure I still have a picture somewhere; I'll try finding it later.

Anywho, it was all good for a while, but I thought that the theme looked pretty boring. I mean, black on white is so MUNDANE, you know? I had to be a little weird. So I changed the title and body font colors to different shades of navy blue. Haha! Did you guys notice that change a couple of months back? It's okay; I wouldn't have either, had I not been the one who had made the change. This navy blue on white seemed... Softer... Than black on white, so I stuck with it. Yes, the background IS white; I'm not THAT tricky!

I was talking to my friend about my blog today, and during that conversation, I finally decided that it was time to make a few changes to my theme.

So what did I do?

1. Landing Page

I created a landing page! It's pretty plain right now, and I'm thinking about how I can make it more interesting. I already have a few ideas, so watch out for new changes sometime this month (Maybe? I hope so). 

2. The Top of the Page

I made the whole top of the page different!

The first thing you may notice is the color gradient! I'm pretty proud of it because it took FOREVER for me to figure out how to do it. Well, I didn't figure EVERYTHING out. I just figured out where to put the line of code to create that color gradient. Placement is pretty important in code. I did a Google search for the actual coding part, and I found this webpage: http://www.w3schools.com/css/css3_gradients.asp

Maybe I'll look into all this techy stuff and do some more techy things. Maybe, haha.

I also changed the colors of the words at the top.

Lastly, I enlarged the website title and made its line thickness thinner.


So woot! Now I have a new-ish theme! Hope you guys enjoy! Sorry that I kind of rambled. Eek.

Do you guys code? Do you peeps enjoy coding? How do you guys like the new design? Any suggestions?

I guess another change is that I've been asking these questions at the bottom of my posts. Oh my gosh, so many changes; it's so exciting!

I have been thinking. A lot.

If I posted one thought per post, I would have a ton of mini posts, and I think that would be a bit annoying to read through, so I'm just going to make a conglomeration of my thoughts into this one post. Here we go!

1. Unemployment

I know, right? What a way to start off. Of course, this subject is quite large, but my thoughts concerning unemployment as of now do not have enough content to fulfill a post.

I found out that in America, the unemployment rate is about 4.9% which sounds like a pretty small number, but over millions of people, it really adds up. So I let the thought dwell in my brain, did a little math, and realized how large of a percentage 4.9% really was.

I go to a pretty decent-sized high school; in total, there are about 2300 students. Assuming that my school is not completely made up of overachievers, that would mean that about 113 people, or about 28 people in each grade of my school will be unemployed. And this is only within my school! It's such a frightening and strange thought that I still cannot fully comprehend.

2. Effort level in school

Five types of people exist in every school: those who try hard and get good grades (overachievers), those who don't try but somehow get good/okay grades (lazy and smart), those who put in the effort and get okay grades (the norm), those who put in their all but get bad/okay grades (almost there), and those who just don't care at all and fail or are close to failing their classes (). I would place myself somewhere in the first two categories, depending on the day.

What I've been thinking about is why there has to be that last category, where people just don't care about school at all. Why can't people just appreciate the free education that they're receiving? I mean, I'd understand if they were a genius that knew what they were doing and where they were going, but for most situations, that's not the case. It's not like you can really survive in this world with only street smarts. Well, I guess you can, but that's going down a dark path that probably doesn't end well. I suppose it's just that people don't truly appreciate what they have until they lose it. 

3. HW

I've gotten a lot of homework in a specific class recently, and I was wondering whether it was aiding or actually hindering my learning. I'm supposed to take notes in this very specific manner that my teacher has shown me, but I find it a little difficult to learn efficiently with this method note-taking.

I'll break this part down into two sections. The first part will be about learning, and the second will be about efficiency.

In terms of learning, it's really helpful. First of all, everything is handwritten, which has been proven to be a better note-taking method than typing everything out because your brain has to process what you have to write and all that jazz. However, not only is it handwritten, it's in PEN. Meaning that I have to carefully think about every letter I'm going to write, aiding in my memorization of the facts. I also read over the section that I'm supposed to take notes on multiple times so I don't miss anything. I pick up all the small details that I may not have noticed previously, while understanding the overarching story. The only aspect of this note-taking style that I really dislike is how I have to format everything to my teacher's preference. I do not believe that I absorb the information I need to as well as I do from notes in my own formatting.

As you may have already figured, taking notes for this class is not a very fast process. It takes me hours to work through about 30 pages. It's ridiculous how long I take for this madness. As a result, I lose time for other HW.

It's been a month of school, and I already feel pretty tired. I'll just take everything day by day and enjoy youth while I can.

4. Loneliness

I've just been feeling lonely. I see and talk to most of my friends every day, but perhaps I don't interact with them enough. I feel like I'm broken, but I don't know what to fix.

I've actually started therapy sessions with myself. I just sit myself down and think. I start with easy questions such as, "How are you feeling right now?" and "How much sleep have you getting for the past week?" Then I move onto questions to find the root of my feelings. It's really interesting to have a conversation with yourself. You learn and admit things about and to yourself that you might not have figured out otherwise.

In a way, this blog is kind of a giant step in self-discovery. I'm glad that I've stuck with it.


Well, that's all for now! Did you guys like this post? Do you peeps think about similar things? If not, what do you guys wonder about?

To the readers of this blog, in my last thought, I (vaguely) explained how I do self-therapy. If you're feeling down, want to discover new things about yourself, or just have nothing to do, I absolutely recommend trying talking to yourself as if you were both the therapist as well as the patient. In order to create a better world, we need to start with ourselves. It won't help if we were all sad and mopey, would it? Please try it before you form your opinions about this practice!

Here's to deep thoughts and a better mentality!

When I have blogger's block, I look around me for inspiration. By the title, you may be able to guess what was lying right next to me when I encountered such a barrier: a Rubik's Cube!

There was this whole craze in my school concerning the Rubik's Cube four years ago. However, I didn't jump on the bandwagon; I was stuck only knowing how to solve one side while everyone else was manically flipping the cube's sides around and around.

The Rubik's Cube mania slowly died off, and I stashed my Rubik's Cube under my bed, completely forgetting its existence. I decided, one day in the summer, to look through my things and reminisce about the past, and what did I find? My Rubik's Cube, coated in a thin layer of dust, patiently sitting and waiting for me to pick it up.

I decided, why not? I had the time, and I was willing to spend the effort to figure out how to put a few blocks in place.

I sat myself down and did what I was able to do. I solved the white side. Once I had completed that side, I was stuck. I remember just kind of sitting there, wondering about how I was to complete the other sides. I realized that I was willing to spend the effort, but not THAT much effort. I searched up "how to solve a Rubik's Cube," and let Google do the rest of the work. After looking through my options, I settled on this wonderful site: https://how-to-solve-a-rubix-cube.com/

The first thing I read was the "99.9% can't solve the Rubik's Cube without help." I felt a bit better about what I was doing, and scrolled down.

I followed the steps slowly, contemplating every flick of my fingers and ensuring that I was flipping everything in the right direction.

My first successful attempt at solving the Rubik's Cube with the help of the website took fifteen minutes. That's a quarter of an hour that I'll never get back. It's also a quarter of an hour where I developed new connections within my brain.

My second successful attempt lasted thirteen minutes. I thought, "Okay, well, I cut down my time by two minutes. That's pretty good, right?"

I spent about two more hours on the Rubik's Cube that day. I believe that I cut my time down to about eight minutes, which I believed to be pretty good. I didn't bother trying to remember the algorithms, but I knew that my subconscious mind was slowly picking up the patterns.

I continued to practice solving the Rubik's Cube throughout the week with the help of the website. I was too lazy to actually try to remember anything. When school started, I, for some reason, felt a burst of motivation, and I dedicated fifteen minutes to start learning the algorithms.

Finally, a few days later, I tried taking off the training wheels to solve the Cube without aid of the website. Naturally, I failed and quickly gave into the temptation of checking the website. But it was a start.

Day after day, I remembered more and more algorithms until one day, I remembered them all, and I was able to solve the Rubik's Cube on my own, albeit slowly. I was proud, but I knew that I had only won half the battle. Now that I knew how to SOLVE the Cube, I worked on my TIME.

My record as of right now is 1:23. I know, I know, it's still pretty slow, but there's always room for improvement, right? Perhaps, with more practice, I'll cut this time down to a minute. Maybe I'll cut it down to even less. Who knows, maybe I'll break the world record for goodness' sakes! Someone's has to do it eventually, why not me?

Anyways, I'm getting way out of my comfort zone of negativity here. Reality check: I probably won't break the world record, but I will definitely chop down those seconds!

Well, moral of the story is to just keep trying and keep practicing! I've always been told that no matter how good you are, you will never be good enough. Yeah, yeah, that sounds super pessimistic, but I find hope and encouragement out of this phrase. So no matter how good or bad you are at something, KEEP AT IT! You will never know what you can accomplish unless if you try!

Wow, I just became more positive. And I just completely contradicted my last post with this one. I spent a whole post describing my failures trying to solve the Rubik's Cube. Haha, anyways, hope you guys enjoyed this post! Maybe I'll write an update when I hit that one minute mark!

Have you guys solved the Rubik's Cube? If you have, what's your PR? If you haven't, what's holding you back?

Until next time!